I got married on May 17, 2014. I married Dylan, a guy I have known since I was five. I had a crush on him growing up, but we were so different. I never thought there was a future there, so I never pursued it. During some tough times we reconnected on Facebook. We started talking about life and everything. Come to find out, he had always liked me too! Well, the rest is history! He is an amazing man and has quickly become my whole world. He is brave and strong and more than I ever dreamed I could have. It has not been easy.
Those differences I mentioned earlier are still there, and they have caused arguments. The best thing about our marriage is that we accept each other. We only saw one another twice before we got married. Our romance was all over the phone since he was in the Army and stationed in Hawaii. We were also apart for the first few month of our marriage, because I accepted a job at home before we got married. This may sound hard and like a pity party, but I can promise that we would not have ended up together otherwise. Our relationship works because, for months, our only choice was to talk. We grew so close because we know we can talk to each other about anything. This has been the highlight of our relationship. I know him inside and out and he knows me better than anyone ever has. We find strength in that fact and it has helped us through those hard times.
Now, I'm sure the universe -because who else would read this- is curious to know why I was compelled to blog again. Well, knowing that I teach children, one could easily guess that I absolutely love kids. I have always wanted to be a mother and raise little ones. Now that I'm married, that's the next big question everyone asks... "When are you having kids?".
First, a warning, be careful about asking someone this question. You do not know what is going on in their life, it can cause more heartache than you intend. It also makes you seem nosy, but I will admit that I was always the first to ask new couples this.
My husband and I are not trying to have children right now. He never wanted children or marriage, he is adjusting to these changes. But we do plan on having children! We are also in the process of figuring out where we want to move for Dylan to finish college. It is not a great time for kids in our life, which I hate to admit.
Now, we have had scares. We have had a two major pregnancy "scares" when we were left wondering what we would do or how our lives would change. The most memorable of these incidences for me was when my husband started getting excited, talking about how we would announce the gender and names... When we found out I was not carrying a baby, I was crushed. My heart died inside me that day and Dylan was there to pick up the pieces and hold me together. We both struggled and had long nights and days, dealing with the new reality.
A couple months ago, after another of these incidents, I was talking to my husband about having children. He told me that, he had a fertility test done. He was injured while in Afghanistan and they told him it could cause fertility problems, so he had a test done. Well, as it turns out, my husband and I will probably not be able to have children. Notice, I say "my husband and I". I do not blame him for this. I chose him and I have had a feeling that conceiving children would not be easy. Now I know that for a fact.
Once again, my soul was crushed, all of those hopes and dreams I had were falling apart. Once again, my husband helped put the pieces back together. I had always felt that we would have a hard time having children, but I once you have proof of your suspicions... needless to say, it is still hard to take.
In the aftermath of this revelation, we started talking about our options. My husband is a firm believer in saving things. He wants to save any animal we see on the side of the road, whether they have a home or not. He is an amazing man with a big heart. While discussing our options, we discussed IVF. Dylan went straight into saving mode. He asked why we should pay thousands of dollars to have "our own child" when we could save a child in need of a home. I wholeheartedly agreed. We decided that adoption is the best option for us.
Since then, we have looked into the many different forms of adoption: fostering, international adoption, and domestic adoption. We are still trying to work out what is best for our family, but it has been full of ups and downs. Meeting kids who have the potential to be our adoptive children and having other people step in. We (mostly I) have had my heart twisted and torn a million times. This has not been an easy decision or process. Now, through prayer and blessings, I have come to the decision that the best way for me to handle this is to wait. Time will bring my children, in one way or another. I want them desperately but they are not in the cards for us right now.
For this reason, I reiterate, please, please, please, do not ask people when they are having kids. You have no idea how it causes a heart to break.
After all of this, which has mostly happened since August, I can honestly say that I am blessed to be married to my husband. He brings me faith and strength that I would not otherwise have access to. He puts up with my moods and with me changing my mind almost daily. He weathers the storms and stands as a rock, keeping me steadfast as the waves break over me, threatening to pull me down. He is my world and he is going to be the father of our children one day. I can't imagine life without him. Every day I wake up grateful that he reached out to me during my darkest of days and pulled me towards the light. Dylan is the reason I wake up in the morning and the reason I smile in my sleep. I wish every woman could find a man as perfectly suited to her as my husband is to me. I could carry on like this for hours. But, I will end by saying, love is not easy. It is possibly the hardest thing I have ever done. It is also the most fulfilling and worthwhile part of my life. So this is love...
